Alan
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New Kids
My birthday was last week. My good friend Sarah got me this book, '30 Things Everyone Should Know How To Do Before Turning 30.' I chuckled at the title, feeling safe in my youthfulness, until
shit, that title means me.
I was 5 years old when my dad turned 30. Thirty just sounds so old. But it isn't. My birthday made me realize that I'll be 30 sooner than I thought, but before I start wishing to be a kid again, I need to think about what that would really mean.
If I were a kid today, my music collection would consist of Avril Lavigne and Maroon 5, uninspiring and derivative musicians. My favorite movies would be 'Finding Nemo' and 'Robots,' movies that would have been so much better without all that eye-popping CGI. And after-school activities would include vanity Google searches.
No. No, this whole 'being a kid today thing' won't do at all
Top 7 reasons growing up now would suck:
1. No Nintendo under the tree at Christmas.
I'll admit, four friends of multi-player factions sniping one another over a LAN in a Halo mod is fun. But it doesn't bring half the satisfaction of poppin' a cap in that dog peek-a-boo'ing out of the grass in Duck Hunt.
2. Ritalin
I'm convinced that if my parents had been given the option to medicate me, they would have. I wasn't ever hyperactive until around the time of my parent's divorce. Of course, that means I would have been labeled bipolar and I'd have been too medicated and drowsy to enjoy Saved By The Bell after school.
3. No New Kids On The Block
Look me in the eye and tell me you weren't hangin' tough in grade school. Liar. The boy bands of today simply don't have the right stuff to compete.
4. Michael Jackson
'Thriller' is my favorite song of all time. But now he's just scary to look at. My dad and I used to go to the video store and rent 'Thriller' every weekend, until one Friday night he borrowed the neighbor's VCR and made me a copy of the tape. Of course, the first words out of my mouth that next Saturday in the video store were, 'We don't have to rent it anymore because my dad made a copy!'
5. Bush, Global Warming, Terrorism
Oh wait, they were talking about those things in the '80s too.
6. No Blanket Forts
How did this die with our generation!? I have two nieces and one nephew and they've never made a blanket fort. Losers.
7. The Internet
Since getting online access at home, I've neglected my encyclopedias and local public library. The best part of searching for information without using an engine was all the cool stuff you'd find on the way. Go down the wrong aisle in the library and you'd be lost in the woods on the island with Piggy. Or flip to the wrong page in the encyclopedia and 'did you know that klezmer musician Josef Gusikov became world-famous playing his invention a xylophone made out of wood and straw?'
So why a Top 7? I don't know, Top 10 is too Letterman for me, and Top 5 wasn't enough for me to include my beloved blanket forts.
I only turned 23 last week. That's not so bad; it's better than just turning 9 or 10 with the above taken into consideration. At least the kids of today and I have one thing in common
Weird Al is still turning out timeless classics.
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
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Many believe the Anti-Demolition Act of 1988 protects our Blanket Forts. But the sad truth is, our Blanket Forts are disappearing at an alarming rate. Don't believe the hype. Do your part to Save the Blanket Forts today! Visit www.savetheblanketforts.org and start building yours now!
Paid for by the Kids for Continued Preservation of Blanket, Sheet and Tarp Forts International.
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