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| Rants >> Columns |
 Nikki |
A Little Intro I’ve been in this spot a few times now, but i was never able to focus long enough to make something out of it, to carry it with me - in me - everywhere i went. I’m talking about writing this right now, why and how I’m here and what I’m doing here. I think it started when I decided not only was I comfortable but others were comfortable with me not returning to school. I’m a rise-out, not a drop out and after explaining that to the ones that were most disappointed it allowed me to finally rise to the point I was never able to before. I couldn’t do the things I really wanted to do when I was in school, I simply didn’t have the time, and if I did have a couple days off I didn’t want to do anything, it was my vacation time. Before I was so worried about deadlines, I was too afraid to be articulate. Almost every time I spoke out (which at the beginning was very frequent, almost too frequent to the point where I was losing grades) I was always shot down, eventually I just stopped. I did everything I was told to do, followed the guidelines, it was just too tiring. I remember wanting to prove myself to others. I took things way too literally, that mark on my paper wasn’t about that paper, it was directed towards me as a person, I couldn’t separate things everything was a personal attack. I never used to be like that and I’m not like that anymore, but there was a time in the middle that just came out of nowhere. I knew it was time to leave when I was afraid to try new things, when I was living in fear to the point where I couldn’t even leave the house without breaking down. My relationship with school was officially over the day when I was late because I was standing at the door for hours trying to push myself out. So I rose out and no I didn’t drop out, because after I left I didn’t drop, I just kept escalating things started getting better and I was finally ready to try new things or re-try things that I was shot down from before. It was time to rediscover. But that wasn’t enough. I hadn’t even told my parents. It went on for about a year and a half before they knew, I tried one last time to go back right after telling my parents what had been happening. The school I had registered in that time was great - in concept. My vice principal was a zinester, there were about four teachers and one in particular I think helped me really take charge of things in my life. I don’t think she ever knew what she had done, because we never really talked, but she just lead by example. She knew who she was and she was doing all this great stuff that reminded me of how I was before, and I just wanted to be like that again so bad. And while it helped me socially, I felt the same as before, actually worse. I was being pulled in one direction towards greatness while being pulled in the other towards total destruction. I wasn’t allowed to say what I wanted to say, what I needed to say it was all “wrong” or “not the way I should behave”. I knew what was going to happen, so I got out of there as fast as I could. One last try the following September, I lasted two weeks. And finally everyone just accepted that it wasn’t meant to be. Everything escalated after that, and I feel I’ve done more constructive things from the past 6 months than I have in 6 years. And now I’m here. we’ll see which way I go. |