First appeared - January 31/04
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I'm normally afraid of spiders, but this particular spider saved my life. By saving my life, I really mean motivated me to write. So there I was, laying on my floor gazing up at the ceiling consumed in a state of darkness that wouldn't wash away. Lost in thought, I saw a glimpse of something quite small scurry across my ceiling; a spider. I couldn't gather up the strength to kill it. So it remained living. I didn't quite know where I was, or who I was, or what that spider was doing up above me looking down on me. I then began thinking, that this spider, this insignificant spider that i could kill any time if i felt the need, was higher than me. It was looking down upon me. Not only that, I was on my back, lost in my state of nothingness, I had no strength left within me. This spider could come down and kill me, just like that. I swore I could see it getting bigger, and eventually it filled the entire room. I closed my eyes, opened them, and the spider..it was gone. I blinked quite a long blink, and the spider reappeared. So there i was, laying on my floor consumed by darkness, lost in the nobody that is me. And the spider, the spider seemed unconquerable. I then thought, that this spider, and this spider only was some magical creature. I slipped on my mask of courage for underneath it all, i was afraid of this spider. I somehow gathered up enough courage to speak. "Listen spider..er sir spider? You and I we're quite alike. You have eight legs, I have two. You're on the ceiling, I the floor. To me, you look like you're above me, but to you, I probably look like I'm above you. We're probably seeking answers, and we find them in each other." Silence. The bastard is ignoring me. I'll show him who he can ignore or not. But deep inside, I was hurt that this spider wasn't listening to me. I thought we would have some connection, a bond if you will. But we didn't. He didn't care, for a moment there, i escaped the darkness, but I was forced to hide in the shadows once more. I decided I didn't care if the spider was paying attention or not, I would talk to it anyway. I began speaking of everything. Why I felt this way, what I wanted to happen, what was pushing me into this lingering darkness. And then suddenly, the spider spoke. I was speechless. I thought for sure, it was just my mind doing this. But I swore it wasn't. No, no it couldn't be, there is just no way, this spider could be talking to me. But it was. But it wasn't. I began talking faster, excited that I've made this new discovery. Telling the spider that I was motivated to do things I could no longer do. I sat up, picked up the pen and green notebook covered in silver stars that was next to me. And I began writing, Something I hadn't done in the longest time. I wrote, and wrote, never stopping. And then I read it. What I read shocked me. This wasn't me, never had I written something quite like this. But it was me, this, this was the new me, this spider driven me. I looked up, the spider was gone. Was there a spider. I was sure there was, for this has happened many time after. Many times I lay on my floor, and talk to a spider, but I always tell my father to get rid of it. Now that I think of it, maybe there was no spider. Seems how I'm afraid of spiders, and myself, maybe that spider was me, and i conquered my fear. The fear of not being able to write anymore, the fear of the shadows behind me. |
